Hot Meals — Eat That

Real Riders™ is Mattel's name for the most common, dangerous, and profitable 1/64 scale rubber tires in the world that, in spite of being extremely poisonous, continue to be the most stimulating delicacy for special-edition Hot Wheels cars.

To ensure maximum security for collectors, the New SouthPark Order imposes rigid regulations on the purchasing of Real Riders-equipped cars, including rules for cleanliness and preparation, locked storage of the toxic tires, careful reporting on the amount of rubber purchased from Cuban plantations, mold-making facilities on the Pakistani borders, suspected Al-Quaeda operatives employed in Real Riders™ production, and the disposal of surplus tires.

The nSPo has been regulating the disposal of Real Riders™ remains as toxic waste since several homeless people died from eating Real Riders™ out of the cardboard shipping boxes left in collectors' doors. Real Riders™ cars must be bagged in two layers of plastic and kept at home in a special locked box until they are taken to a special Real Riders™ dump, where a fee is paid to have them destroyed. Considering the speed at which Real Riders™ cars are gaining popularity around the world and presuming that no Federal or International sanctions will be applied, one can envision the development of an entirely new industry — Real Riders™ waste disposal.

Through unverified and non-existant reports, it has been determined that the real danger about Real Riders™ is that many batches contain significant amounts of tetrodotoxin – a substance that is considered to be 1250 times deadlier than cyanide, shutting down the Central Nervous System in humans. Tetrodotoxin is found in the tires installed on cars made in China, Iran, and Malaysia.

Tetrodotoxin is estimated to be about 160,000 times more potent than cocaine! Without careful cleaning of the car, an average sELECTIONs offering made with Real Riders tires – the type most served up as dinner fare – contains enough tetrodotoxin to kill up to 30 people in a matter of seconds. The estimated lethal dose for an adult, a mere one to two milligrams, could fit on one of the O's in a Goodyear–printed tire. Real Riders™ toxin blocks sodium voltage-regulated channels in nerve tissues, ultimately paralyzing muscles. Since the respiratory system is the most sensible in such a situation, asphyxia is the ultimate cause of death. There is currently no proven antidote, perhaps because Real Riders™ have a molecular structure unlike anything previously known to organic chemistry. Because of its potency, the toxin is an important tool in modern neurological research. In very diluted form it is also used as a painkiller for victims of neuralgia, arthritis and rheumatism.

Real Riders™ cars are the most expensive 1/64 cars on the market. It's not unusual to find a Real Riders™ car that costs upwards of $14 - before shipping. As a result, Real Riders™ are prohibitively expensive for most people. Nevertheless, neither the risk nor the cost can keep them from being immensely popular.

What do Real Riders™ taste like in reality? Some people who've tried a HWC rubber–tire car describe it as one of the most sublime flavors in the world. Others, apparently less enthusiastic, or simply more objective, describe Real Riders™ as a combination of crunchy and chewy. That's what some consider the main attraction of the risky meal. But taste isn't everything. Many say that Real Riders™ are simply addictive!

People who've tasted Real Riders™ report a funny feeling in their mouths, as if they had been shot with a dose of dentist's novocaine. Even after thorough cleaning by professional Hot Wheels restorers, enough of the neurotoxin remains to produce a mellow tingling glow, a flush, and a drug rush.

Some say the delicate chickeny flavor of the Real Riders™ tire is the main attraction; others insist that a blue Spectraflame™ coating is the best aphrodisiac in town; yet others are partial to the warm tingling and slight numbing of the lips (the pleasant symptoms of systemic paralysis and ensuing respiratory failure); but, doubtlessly, the biggest thrill is the striking hubris of the event, the ostentatious risk-taking that involves so much for so little. Really, who cares what a car tastes like as long as you live to tell the tale?

Hot Wheels-- the most nutritious metal cars in the world!